Update!

I’ve started actually writing again and I’m ecstatic!  I’m at 115 pages and 58,000 words!  Hopefully this time I won’t be derailed again!

Sample Chapter Posted

hey everyone, (if anyone is actually following me)!

I just wanted you to know that I’ve posted a link at the top of the page here of a sample chapter for Last Christmas!  I’m so excited to be writing again and I just wanted to share that with you all!

I am Woman… hear me whimper, hear me roar.

I Am Woman
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
’cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
’cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
’cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land
But I’m still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

 

This morning, as I came home from work, these words rang though my mind with a resounding clarity.  I don’t know where it came from precisely, but it seemed to be something that I needed to embrace and absorb for the first time.  I have known and loved this song my entire life, recognizing it as a mantra for the fellows of my sex, but I don’t think it ever really registered to me until just now.   Odd, really, the moments of clarity that seem to flash up on us in a moment so random that it seems almost like a message from God on high like a ray of light through parting clouds shining down in revelation to impart wisdom on heretofore empty grey matter.

I have self esteem issues.

I am human.

I make mistakes.

I am fallible.

I learn.

I forget.

I grow.

I am woman.

Hear me whimper, hear me roar.

I had a long conversation last night with my dear friend Deb who I consider myself very fortunate to have met.  She really believes in me and frankly, that’s humbling.  From the standpoint of someone never really having believed in myself all that much, I have difficulty seeing what exactly it is that she sees in me.  Not only are my issues deeply rooted in self-esteem, but also in a lack of self worth.  I don’t think I’m good enough and honestly, never have.  I don’t know where that stems from.  It could be from my parents splitting up when I was a child and the fact that my relationship with my Father has suffered over the years until it’s barely recognizable.  Or, it could well be two separate attempts that were made at molestation by non-familial males that I knew in my younger life.  (Neither was successful, as it turns out, being a stubborn bitch my entire life served me well  in this regard.)  It could come from being harangued by my Grandfather over my weight when I was a child.  It could be a combination of these things or none of them, or even someone calling me a name as a child.  I don’t know.  Suffice it to say, that I have always doubted myself very deeply and have never thought that I had what it took or that I would fall flat on my face and fail miserably.  I think that manifests itself in a lack of motivation on my part.

I am no psychologist, but that’s the best deduction that I can come up with.

I have let the things that have happened to me recently trickle down in to a serious lack of motivation on my part.  This has to stop.  I ACHE daily to write.  I open the file for Last Christmas almost every day and think to myself, “I don’t know what happens next.”  And I close it, or I leave it sitting there, open like a bleeding wound begging for attention that I have not been able to give it.  ***Sighs***

I sent Deb four chapters of the book and she loved them and insisted that I continue and that she wanted more.    There are a dozen subsequent chapters that I have yet to share and frankly, I’m afraid to.   I’m not happy with some of it and I know that it needs reworking.   I WILL do this.  I must.

I am woman.  I will endure.

An Attitude Adjustment.. Amen

After all this time being sick and parting ways with my ex, I found myself just sinking into a miasma of misery the likes of which I haven’t experienced in a long time.  I thought it was just the flu dragging me down, but now I realize that it was so much more than that.  I was feeling badly about myself in general.  I let myself get sucked into a toxic relationship that just kept feeding on itself and increasing how miserable I was day by day.  I cut him off, removed him from my life completely, but when I attempted to move on, was told in no uncertain terms by someone that I really liked that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  And I let him convince me in some small part that I wasn’t.  Stupidly, I took that as meaning in some way that I wasn’t over the dreaded ex and attempted a reconciliation.    What a wretched mistake THAT fiasco turned out to be.

I loved this man with everything I had in me.  Yet he placed no value on that.  He assumed that since had hooked me, that he had me and that there was no upkeep involved, or so I assume.  That’s the only thing I can really come up with in looking back on it.  He married me and then essentially dropped me and made no effort to maintain anything with me.  I don’t want something like that and can’t understand how someone can claim to love someone so intensely yet show it so little.

I am officially, well and truly, OVER the ex.  I HAVE moved on.  And I need to thank someone special for the attitude adjustment that I’ve had over the last couple of days.  I’m smiling again.  I look forward to logging onto SL again, because I might see him or spend time with him and that’s just so damned valuable to me.  So TJ… thank you.  You don’t know what the last couple of days have meant to me.  You’ve made me smile again and feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I am so grateful to you for that.  I feel like I can breathe again and it’s wonderful.

Kyra Ishtari takes a deep breath and sighs with a little smile playing on her lips and reaches for the mouse and clicks on “publish”

 

Busy with Morphs

Seems like it’s either feast or famine in SL sometimes.  I can go days on end without a single customer wanting anything, and then suddenly, people seem to come crawling out of the woodwork looking for photos.  I did some this weekend that I think turned out really well.  One of them really surprised me!  I’m going to share it here, but for the others you can check my Flickr Stream.

 

Warm and Fuzzy

So, I have to share.  I met someone.  He is amazing so far.  He’s VERY well spoken, which is a complete turn on for me.  He’s nice looking, not that that really matters that much to me, but it’s just a bonus.  He’s flirty and sweet, is very understanding so far and he’s assertive and dominant, which I really like.  I can’t wait to see how things go!

I know, I know, this is SO not about anything that I’ve written or edited, but I still had to share

New Profile Image in SL

I am finally starting to feel a little better, though, I admit it’s slow going.  I had a relapse over the weekend and had two of the worst days that I’ve had in a long long time.  But, it’s breaking up and hopefully moving on, so there is light at the end of this sickly tunnel I’ve been traveling.

Last night I managed to create a new morph for myself and I have to say that this is by far my favorite picture to date.  There’s something about it that just grabs my gut and I don’t know what it is.  I think it’s got a raw sexuality to it that appeals to me.  Would love to know what you think!  🙂

Humbling to say the least

There’s nothing like watching your stats and realizing that you have no readers nor followers.  lol..   I know, I’m new at this and probably not the least bit interesting, but there’s nothing that will quite drive that fact home like seeing the stats say that you’ve had no readers at all for 3 days.  Granted, I haven’t written anything in a few days and I suppose that could have something to do with, but still.  **insert pitiful sad face here**

I am slowly starting to feel better, but it is, I have to admit, taking forever.  The congestion in my chest is hanging and on and on and one until I’m convinced there are little green guys in there with a death grip on my lungs.  Phlegm is disgusting.  The little green guys in the Mucinex commercials simply cannot do it justice.  Nor am I going to expound on how gross it is here, as I’m sure we’ve all had our own first person experiences and know first hand from said experiences just how disgusting it truly is.

The problem with being sick is feeling like my brain has shut down and that any creative sparks that were firing off like mad prior to the illness have gone out completely leaving in its place the dull sound of a quarter being spun on  a tabletop out of sheer boredom just to see how long it will spin before landing flat, tails up on the table.  I can’t pull out creative thought.  I can’t see where my story goes from here and I can’t imagine that I will EVER finish this book.  I was on such a roll that I thought I would certainly have it done by the end of September at the very latest and published soon there after, only to start on another or perhaps deviate from the series and work on a short that I’ve been mulling around or even a stand alone that I worked on years ago that I’ve recently attempted to revisit.

Sadly, none of it appeals.  I can’t even make myself muster interest in logging into Second Life and enjoying myself there, or even working there and lord knows, there’s plenty there to be done, but I’m incapable.

Lord, please, get take this melancholia away from me and let my brain start firing again like it’s supposed to.  I’m tired of the inactivity in my brain and am beginning to feel like a mental deficient waiting to be committed and locked away for my own protection.

Never realized just how much one affects the other.

I haven’t been feeling well lately.  I’ve had some kind of a flu bug and am very congested, achy and just over all feeling icky.  My stomach is even getting in on the act (oh joy!). 

I have been on such a roll with my writing and now, I feel like the tires have been kicked out from under me.  I look at the book and I just groan because I’ve tried writing today and what’s coming out is complete pooh-pooh.  😦 

Maybe I need to just lay off and realize that I can’t do this EVERY single day like I want to.  These dreams of getting my work out there have been here my entire life and now that I’m on the path to actually accomplishing it, I feel like I need to keep the momentum going every second that I possibly can, but I’m realizing that that just isn’t going to be possible.  When I feel like crap, crap is what I write and no one wants to read that, let alone me. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, or at least this weekend. 

Peace out, peeps, I think I’m going to medicate and vegitate! 

I passed a milestone!

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal to most folks, but I am thrilled to see that I’ve passed page 101 and 50,000 words without even noticing it!  I can’t believe I’ve done it.  When i set out to hit a certain number of words, I was more than a little intimidated by it, but I’m getting there!  I can’t believe it.  Silly really, the things that put a smile on a person’s face.